


Everything you ever fight for is yourself

by SeiG



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Unhappy Ending, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-23 08:31:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9648146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeiG/pseuds/SeiG
Summary: Finding and losing the only thing Tony could ever fight for hurts so much more than just never having it at all… and the guilt just tears him apart no matter what he tries to tell himself. It’s justified.





	

“It’s all your fault…” Tony said, his voice quiet and hoarse. When he looked up, he saw guilt in the light brown eyes, almost as if he blamed himself just as much as Tony blamed him. He looked tired, worn out from everything, just as broken as Tony himself felt.

“You think I wanted it?” it sounded like he was about to cry.

“You knew it was the only possible outcome. He did it all for you…”

“I wouldn’t-”

“Don’t. Just… don’t… you’ve always meant to him more than anything else in this world…” there was so much pain in his voice. He felt so hurt, so broken, so… betrayed… “You knew well enough what he was willing to give up for you. I blame you.”

“Me too, I blame myself above all else, but…” there was a spark of something unnameable in the tired lifeless eyes, “you blame me just to spare yourself the pain of feeling guilty.”

 

It all started so nice, so innocent, so pure. It was beautiful and perfect and came from things and places Tony wouldn’t ever guess. The first time they met, he thought he’ll hate him forever, the  _ experiment _ , the guy his dad never shut up about, the beloved Captain America. He couldn’t stand the sight of him, as if he felt almost threatened by him. The righteous hero of all. Disgusting.

But the guy grew on you, you know, the devoted puppy, simple and…  _ good _ . Just perfect. Tony stopped hating all the perfectness gradually, because deep down Captain America just wanted to help, he just wanted to be there for everyone. 

And he was there, for Tony, always, and Tony couldn’t even feel grumpy about him being there for other as well, not  _ only _ for Tony, because they were friends, just friends, and it was enough. It had to be, no matter how fucked up Tony felt from time to time, it was still nice. Pure. It had to stay that way.

He fell for him after New York, the look Steve gave him just after he woke up, the humanity saved and all, enough to make something inside Tony melt, break down completely, shatter and never be the same again. He still loved Pepper, of course, but it was different kind of  _ friendly _ love and he knew since that moment onward that he was beyond screwed but no one ever noticed. Or they never said anything.

 

“Even long before you told him, he always knew how you felt. He just didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Rich, coming from you,” he choked out, sucking in a deep breath, closing his eyes, because he felt dangerously close to breaking down  _ again _ and he really didn’t want the other to see. He looked away, at Captain, finally, after avoiding it since he came to the room, the pale skin even whiter than usual and Tony’s hands started shaking. The breakdown was pretty close.

 

He was Cap, then Rogers, then Steve, then all names unimaginable and much more importantly  _ unsayable _ . When he was all messed up after New York, all the panic attacks and shit happening, when he almost lost Pepper and almost got killed so many times, all he could think about, all he could think to calm himself down was  _ Steve _ . And all the names  _ unsayable _ .

Tony needed that kind of person in his life, that kind of calm and  _ always know what to do and what is right _ . He so selfishly wanted him to keep Tony from falling apart, from destroying himself. Wanted to be more than friends, wanted so badly to  _ own _ all that righteousness, it stopped being nice. It started to hurt, the craving not pure at all, no innocence in anything he thought about Steve - and all the  _ unsayable _ names - once he closed the doors behind him in the tower.

He actually wanted to tell him, because they had all kinds of fun together, because they were a good team, they worked great together and with everyone else, they completed each other and they were awesome friends. And because of all of that, he couldn't say a world.

After HYDRA he wanted to be the one who’s there for Steve, and he managed it pretty well all things considered, even talking about Bucky, supporting Steve; for a Stark, he was a delightful  _ great friend _ . All the while hurting inside more and more.  _ Bleeding _ .

After everything got quiet, he actually wanted to tell him for real this time, he even prepared a speech of a sort, perfect in his opinion, and for a moment there, his life was going so damn well. Then Ultron happened.

 

“Didn’t want to hurt me…” Tony repeated after a while, just shaking his head. “I’ve heard that before… I can actually imagine, you know,” the sarcasm dripping, “with him loving you more than he could ever love anything else.”

“He loved Peggy.”

“Maybe, but it was nothing compared to…” he wasn’t even able to finish, not wanting to say it again, like  _ ever _ . He could almost hear the sound of his world being shattered every time he thought about it. Even as friend, Steve didn’t think him even half as important as he thought…

 

Ultron made Steve doubt Tony again. Made him question everything Tony did, made him rethink what they had, what Tony thought they had.

He knew he couldn’t ever say it,  _ confess _ , not anymore, not without being laughed to his face. He got distant, quiet, reserved and guarded. He got back to his shell, behind the walls of sarcasm and bad jokes, behind the mask of  _ not caring at all _ .

When Pepper broke up with him, partly because he was a handful she couldn’t handle anymore, partly because she started to suspect something, he shattered inside, and this time, there wasn’t anyone who could put the pieces back together. He kept the facade, deceiving everyone in the months after that, just looking old, so much older than he really was and even older even more worn out and beaten after the Accords.

The Sokovian Accords were the worst thing to ever happen in his life. He’d go through the New York and Ultron and Palladium poisoning and Extremis and every other fucked up shit again ten times if it could avoid the damned Accords. They took away everything he had left, brought back what he feared the most, tore them  _ all _ apart.

When he talked to Steve, it was cold, reserved, hurt on both sides. When he finally got to bed late after midnight every time, the sleep was always short, restless, sometimes full of dreams that kept haunting him for days. But he still woke up with the unsayable names in his mind and now maybe more than ever and he just had to tell him.

Maybe if he told Steve before they got Bucky, before they took him in and put him into jail, maybe then it would have had a chance.

Steve didn’t even thought it worth answering. He just sighed and shaked his head and walked away and wounded Tony more, than anything ever cold.

 

“He actually did love you too, you know.”

“Shut up…” Tony actually really felt like crying. “Don’t say another world or I may actually not contain myself even after everything I’ve promised.”

“He did, you just never were meant to be. Not the way you both were… stubborn till the end…”

“Just shut the fuck up, or I’ll just smash your face in and be done with you because I hate you so much you cannot even imagine.” He was losing it, losing himself and he couldn’t even care less anymore, because there was nothing in the whole fucking world left for him. Just making amends he was not sure he was capable of and he was alway so bad at these things even before everyone who could have helped him left him or… 

“Trust me I very well can…” the voice sounded somehow resigned. “I hate myself and I know how much it hurt him what he did to you, how he felt about you, what this all caused…”

“You have no fucking idea what you are talking about, what the fuck do you know about us, about what  _ we  _ had, what the fucking hell do you know about me?!”

“I knew  _ him _ , Stark… better than you…” It hurt, it stung, it was like getting stabbed right in the guts and the worst part was that it probably was true.

 

He realised through the battle at the airport that it could have never been anything, that his whole life was one big lie, that he loved an illusion. And that Steve could never ever love him, not while he loved Bucky more than his own life.

Tony hated it, hated himself for ever hoping, hated the whole world and tried to pretend to fight for it still, nevertheless, but… all he wanted was to have Steve back, like before, nothing more, to have him like he had him after New York and he knew perfectly well that that was the only thing he never could have again.

When they fought for the last time, when Tony landed that last hit, saw that last look in Steve’s sky blue eyes, he knew he’s dying too. He knew he never could  _ ever _ recover. He never will.

 

“I  _ will _ save you, Barnes, but just because that’s what he wanted. I’m doing it for him. I won’t ever stop hating you, blaming you, I won’t ever forgive you for anything you did to me. To us.  _ All _ of us.”

“Good. Because I won’t ever stop either…”

And when Tony got up and looked at Steve for the last time, just laying on the table, white and cold and still so beautiful and  _ dead _ ,  _ killed _ , he hated and blamed himself more than anything, all the guilt of the world on his shoulders. Maybe for the first time in his life he really felt it, fully realised it… And he knew he deserves every little bit. He had nothing left  _ of his own _ to fight for.


End file.
